Hope through the disappointment..
My hope through my journey with PCOS…………
Almost 20 years ago I was still "wishing". My desire in that moment was to have a baby. I'd been married a little over 6 years and finally I was ready! In fact, a majority of my life, I knew I wanted to be a wife and mother. I adored children and enjoyed babysitting, teaching pre-school. Once I was married, I enjoyed setting up home and spending time with my husband. We traveled, joined a new church and even decided to complete my advanced studies. Things were seemingly lining up, but they were far from smooth sailing. Because, once things had settled down in that wonderful honeymoon period, I realized my fertility journey was not like everyone else’s. This time, almost three months pregnant, I was having yet another miscarriage. That was a very trying time (I talk about that more in another blog) I distinctly remember the moment. Our shock and disappointment, that moment when I knew I needed to do more than "wish".
Have you ever had that moment when things seemed to be clear and almost obvious. Like, you’re looking around and everyone else seems to “get it” but for one reason or another you couldn't get to that moment yourself? Well, that was me! And even as I struggled through the miscarriage, I was also struggling to remain hopeful. I just couldn’t understand why this was happening. But GOD sent an earthly angel! I was on the phone with my friend Jessy and she, being the mom of three little ones and pregnant with another was encouraging me. And she said, I was wrong!
In fact, she yelled. Jessy told me, I had crossed the line, and she wasn’t going to stand by and let me. Don't you love those friends that can tell you the truth, in love? I was telling Jessy how hopeless I’d felt. How this situation of another month of "not pregnant" and I just didn’t have anything to hold on to. How much I wanted this to happen, how I wished it would happen, but I'd resolved, it was too much to keep hoping for. In all my wishes, I thought I could build faith and I was wrong! Those wistful, empty wished could do nothing but set myself up to be disappointed again! And that's when she said it, flat out told me I was wrong!
Jessy reminded me of GOD's word, how I could believe and hope while still "waiting". Hebrews 11:1 "now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." She reminded me, hope is not built on wishes, they are built upon the promsessif GOD. So, when I refused to hope I was in essence refusing to trust GOD. Well, she got me on that one! One thing I didn't want to do was linger in doubt. I may have been struggling but I knew how important it was to not be “double minded” ( see https://rb.gy/nkgy70 ) So, with that conviction in my spirit, I put forth the effort to activate my faith. Daily, I began speaking affirmations of scripture and listening to scriptures throughout the day (https://rb.gy/7fqpic) honestly, it wasn't long before things began unfolding.
Instead of staying stuck in the problem, I was open through the process of healing. I started asking questions and researching to find out why. One thing that answered the "why" was a diagnosis I received from my Gynecologist. But first, I had to be open again to making a few changes. After my last miscarriage, I found a new physician who was a believer in Christ and phenomenal doctor. At my previous Ob-Gyn, I felt ridiculed and objectified when my husband and I refused the D&C after the ultrasound appointment that indicated a “non-viable pregnancy”. Which again is discussed in detail in another blog post, so, needless to say, I had my reasons to find another physician. My new Ob-Gyn was patient, knowledgeable and filled with faith. I was tested for and discovered I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) Here's an article that gives more information. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) | Johns Hopkins Medicine.
In my case, because my glucose levels were so close to pre-diabetic, she started me on Glucophage (Metformin). This was the worse experience so far in my life! I would eat and bloat so much with extreme nausea that many times, I had to learn the hard way what I could & couldn't eat based on the stomach discomfort. But it was so worth it! Within a few months of starting metformin, the excess weight was quickly coming off and believe it or not, the metformin triggered my thyroid to release just the right hormones and I was pregnant! Imagine the sheer delight of the news, and as the apprehension tried to choke me with fear, I continued applying my faith focused lifestyle. Each time doubt would try to settle into my soul, I defended my peace with the Word of GOD. Learning to lean into hope has helped me so much in my life. From that point to now, I remind myself the importance of hoping and walking in faith. Certainly, everything I've hoped for hasn't occurred, which is perfectly fine because I've also learned how important it is to me to align myself to GOD's plan, so while I may have hoped for things that didn't happen, I soon learned that I really didn't want all those things, I thought I wanted.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
